Statement Correction?

[Embarkation]

Original statement:

Industry drives the economy and, in order to be effective in that influence, industry requires the support of military efforts to operate securely.

-Tealstone, CEO, Citadel Space

Changed to:

Industry drives our economy. In order to be effective, industry requires the support of our military efforts to operate safely & securely.

-Tealstone, CEO, Citadel Space

Thought you may like it if not no worries! x

[Wave]

To be honest, the grammar of the original is pretty off. I'm all for the revised (proofread) version.

[Siycle]

And say something about how awesome we are!

[Tealstone]

Although it's not typical grammar, I don't believe it's incorrect.

Here's the thing, while having a simple and a compound sentence may sound better when spoken aloud, using a compound complex sentence with a conditional clause is more interesting to read, in my opinion. I'll revisit it at some point once we have more of the content figured out.

Tealstone

[EchoSeven]

Look, this is just silly - it is entirely possible to, for example, identify the kinds of vocabulary that is relevant to our field, the kinds of interpersonal language that is appropriate for the tenor, and the kinds of textual features (say, cohesive devices) that are going to help the spoken or written text along when people make decisions about whether our group is worth joining or not. So I'm all for the compound complex sentence with a conditional clause, unless a systemic, syntactic aneurysm results while trying to make sense of it.

[Siycle]

Just remember that potential recruits will only glance at this. I guarantee they will not read carefully. Keep it simple, memorable and to the point. Hell, if you can make it into pictures it would be even better; short attention spans these days fellas.